Unfair

I woke this morning feeling bright cheerful and full of positive energy. I think I am going to have to stop reading my emails. I know people say lifes not fair, but really how can it  be this unfair.

My sister is going  to a funeral today. She  is soldiering on for her own son that has  leukemia.  Not a common strain yet the same week he was diagnosed so to was a little boy we will just name Angel in waiting. both went through the trials of drs having to readjust strengths of treatment. While my nephew fought on last year  with  the swine flu which almost killed him in its self Angel in waiting managed to get through a little easier. 

Both mums formed a bond in those first few weeks that could not be broken. they became each others sounding boards and cheer squads. No matter what time of the day or night they could call each other and cry when it got too much. 

No one truely understood what they were going through like each other did!

Last week during  one of their many trips to their second home my sister and nephew met up with their fellow soldiers once again chatted quietly as Angel in waiting had had a rought time the last couple of months and  had  been a guest  at PMH for some time now. saying their goodbyes and  a promise to see each other again at the next visit My sister and nephew left. An hour later they got the text to say, he had passed suddenly♥

So today my sister and nephew are going to a funeral again. Too many already little tiny boxes they  go to witness and say their final goodbyes. My sister has been asked to sit with Angel in waitings  mum at the funeral, she knows she has to give this one last bit of support to a woman who now has a giant hole in her soul.

Only 6 years ago she got her first taste of cancer as an adult. Her mother in law was diagnozed with breast cancer. After a year long battle her mother in law was declared in remission. Not even a year ago she was told she hit her 5 year mark of being cancer free. The family celebrated such a victory. A new baby into the family added to the celebration of life. Things seemed to be finally looking up for all. 

Last night, they were packing to go camping  for a few days over easter and get away from the stress that today will be,  her husband got the call from his distraught mum saying that she had been diagnozed with the rare form of cancer in the back that killed her father. So far they dont know how far it has spread they have to wait till next week to get some answers. So on top of today, dealing with the very real threat that she may lose her own angel, my sister is now left  worrying over the weekend about her mother in law and being a shoulder forher husband.

Life isnt just unfair, its down right cruel sometimes!

Today was a good day.

Today was one of the best days I have had in such a long time. I felt like myself again. Its been too long. I think I am getting my head around things easier lately. saw my MIL today, she made her standard thoughtless comment or 3 and I laughed each off but still pulled her up on it(politely). Maybe I am winning the hormonal war or at least learning new battle plans that are less challenging to all.=oP. If anything today when she said what she said all I saw was a woman that just seems to be completely clueless when it comes to understanding something that she her self is not going through and it hit me, she has no imagination! How sad that must be to live through life and not see all the possibilities  flashing through your mind.


 Its not that she means to be callous, she honestly doesnt realize  that sometimes things she says hurt because she honestly cant imagine  what it would be like, so I decided today instead of getting upset at her and then stewing on it for days and making everyones lives  harder, its an opportunity to get closer to her and still be treated with respect and compassion. It may not work, but at the end of the day laughing it off is a hell of a lot less stressful than getting angry or crying. Who knows one day  she may become a kindrid spirit♥..


Ok so I am stretching lol, but I can imagine that possibility =o) 


Ok hippy new age moment over. I will leave you all while I go explore the cosmos a bit longer.

Wasted Day

Completely wasted today and I am happy about it. The next 7 to 8 weeks are going to be flat out for hubster with work. He needed the rest and it hasnt done me any harm to be able to just potter around and get a few odd jobs done before the kids go on break and  my routine is shot to hell. Easter is almost here with ANZAC day entwined into the same weekend. That means for many Aussies they have a 5 day break this year. Hubster has 3 and still has to pop in for a couple of hours on one of his days off. we arent doing much so theres no worries about  messing up plans anyways.

These next few weeks is going to give us a taste of what our life is going to be like for the next 9-12 months. As the year goes on hubster will have so much more to organize with the change of location for his work.   machinery worth millions and the size of mac trucks will have to be moved to their new home a little over 100 km away. while still keeping productivity loss to a minimum. Staff will be juggled between 2 locations for  a few months. Hubster is going to be taking on more and more work related responsibilities, so I have already resigned myself to the fact that I will packing the house up and sorting out the logistics of changing schools, homes myself while keeping the family running like clockwork while we will most likely be living separately during the week for a few weeks or so. 

Moving date is yet to be decided, but we have been told anywhere between November and February. Joy we will probably spend Christmas day with the house completely boxed up. I just hope I dont end up packing up pressies bought early in my bid to get value for money with sales a few months earlier.

It wont be all bad though. At least I wont have to  waste my time with Christmas trees and decorating. I will be so focused on moving I wont have time to  get all stressed about the family politics on who I have to spend the most time with on the day. I already have a 0 care factor with Christmas this year when it comes to  keeping  both sides of the family happy. Truth be known I am already looking forward to next years Christmas. Our first Xmas in our brand new home. I have already made it very clear we will not be travelling up to see any family on the Christmas break that first year. If anyone wants to come down that will be wonderful. But that first Christmas will be sacred for me.

Usually already I am thinking how I can juggle christmas day so both side of the family dont get narky at us but still be home early enough for us to be able to enjoy our kids. with hubster usually only having the one day off after working weeks doing 70+hrs a week, I didnt think it was too much to ask that we get to spend that one day enjoying each other and relaxing… How wrong could I be lol.

This year has been great everytime it crosses my mind I just think really Old Girl you really want to add pressure to your self??? We will be where we are told to be when we get there and if anyone has a problem with it then they can come pack a box for me =oP

today has been about relaxing, recharging and rejuvenating(not to mention farming lol) Let the fun and games of the next week begin♥

Aging Ungracefully

I turn that nasty number at the end of the year… you know the one, it starts with a 4 & ends with an O MG! and it seems like my body is falling apart in protest. I hear people say you should age gracefully. Your kidding right, Me be graceful! My nickname as a kid was rightly calamity jane. I dont see why old age should change that.

It all started gradually, aches here and there. I found myself groaning when I got up out of a chair one day, how sad is that. After my hysterectomy after being  diagnosed with OC I thought on at least I have one less thing  to deal with,  no more ladies time. Yey, whoo hoo. I almost had a party about that one =o) But no in snuck early menopause the week later. so on top of dealing with post op issues I now turn into  my own private radiator, complete with thermostat problems. 

Went to the doc after  putting up with bad headaches and really sore neck and now they are saying  wear and tear on the joints, bones are slightly smaller than they should be so have to work harder to hold up my head(and no my head is NOT too big as hubby helpfully suggested=oP.) 

So now I have a little hormone implant the size of a grain of rice in my belly to help keep the thermostat working, take a pill to relax the neck, A pill to reduce the brain banging & yet another pill to stop the kaleidescope rainbows happening in my eyes. Soon I will rattle when I walk thats if I dont need my grannies walking frame before I hit 4 OMG!

Till then I’m going to go put on my big girl support panties and go deal with what ever comes my way in my own unique style. It may not be pretty, but at least I will have some laughs along the way. 

Today I did a bit of gardening, whooptey doo I hear you all say we all have gardening to do I hear, its not a big deal and yes normally I would agree. Its been so long since I just pottered around in the garden though. pulling a few weeds turning up some soil and planting a few plants. Up until 2 years ago it was not all that uncommon to find me wandering around my garden, talking to my Luc giggling at her when she would go lay in a hole I had just dug to put in a new plant. After surgery though  digging was a big no no.  Since then with other health issues its just been easier to not go out and risk  being laid up for days after.


We pulled down the big kiddy pool out the back yesterday. Well I pulled it down and the kids helped me to fold it up and pack it away. What was left was a big yellow compacted circle in my back yard. For months now I have been saying since the grass never grew back from last year we should make it a big native garden out the back . Hide the ugly fence and make the back yard more inviting. Hubby did not like this idea at all. What is it about men and wanting  an entire yard of nothing but lawns? Lawns are boring, they require weekly mowing and to keep them green need more water than we are allowed to give them. Hubby loves to potter around the garden  all the time and normally I just let him go and do what he pleases. He does after all do the mowing,  keeps the fertilizing up and prunes the poor plants to death, so why shouldn't the choice be his as to what goes in.


The thing is we are sell in  a little under a year and  there is just so much work that really needs to be done to make the place look presentable. More and more people are looking for low maintenance gardens. Water wise gardens are becoming so popular with the water restrictions so tight these days. and while I do love the English garden style with lots of blooms and rolling lawns, They just require too much water.


So there I was at 8am after just getting the kiddies off to school. breakfast dishes done, dolled up in my daggy baggies and old straw hat digging away to my hearts content.  Pulling weeds that had been left to grow wild since the pool had gone up 4 months ago. There they are I think to myself, I found my lemon grevillea's under the  grass and that bloody ivy(morning glory), that seems to be covering my entire suburb, no matter how much we all poison it! They are now waist height and bushing up nicely after buying them no more than  knee height  mid winter last year. Next comes  turning the compact soil... so far so good, then thwack. Ouch  my wrist is now jarred. Digging tentatively thinking I had found one of the sprinkler pipes I find a  long metal pipe has been belted into the soil. It was probably 2 feet long and at least a foot deep into the soil and very rusted so who knows how long ago it was buried. but we have had the house for close to 2 decades and never put anything in that section of the yard. 

By 10 am it was far too hot to be out there digging any more. My back ached, my wrist  was tender, I was sweating like the proverbial pig and I was itching all over from my allergy to that bloody vine. But I also had a smile on my face, felt more energized than I had in ages. Not to mention a kind of satisfaction in knowing I was well on my way to making my native hideaway corner looking  absolutely fantastic. A place where the birds will come each morning and night to refresh, feed and relax. A place where I can have a small nook with a comfy chair and read while feeling like I am surrounded by nature. I will also be able to look at it with pride when its all done, knowing I did it all by my self and it is exactly the way I want it.


I pick up the lad in half an hour for his early finish for school. Poor lad doesnt realize he has volunteered to go native plant shopping this afternoon. He is a good sport though and wont mind too much. Tomorrow I can start placing them and  deciding where they should go. Then Wednesday before the rains get here I will hopefully of finished and can get started on  working lawn runners into the rest of the yellow sand and pacify dear hubby with a small lawn peace offering=o)

Operation Letting Go

Well My youngest turned 14 the other day. How time has flown. On Friday I was a little sentimental thinking of how fast the time has gone, then thinking about how much time I have wasted with petty things like jealousy, competing, and plain ol feeling sorry for myself. So this weekend I have used the free time(Jnr is living on his xbox) to reflect on things. I must say its been the kick in the pants I have needed to get back on track with a few things. 


Its time to  get back on my path, stop feeling sorry for myself. Dont worry  if other people have  nicer houses or prettier clothes and who really cares if  someone has a nicer car, seems to have things fall in their laps or tends to  go through life not realizing how lucky they have it. I am one of the luckiest people on this planet. I have a hubby that loves me and doesnt bore me by being too easy to manipulate. I have 2 gorgeous boys who are so much smarter than me, are caring individuals and have decent self esteem. I have a roof over my head, yes its small but so is my mortage =o) I have a car, it doesnt brake down (often) and it gets me from A to Z with  all the other letters along the way. I have wonderful friends both old and new who let me be me without trying to change me. I am meeting new kindred spirits each week who enrich my life just by being in it. Best of all I have my life back. So time to move on and let the old crap go. So this week coming is about just that. Letting go and moving forward.


Yesterday I pulled out all my spirituality  notes and started reading through them again. It was interesting to see where  my journey was travelling pre life changes. While some of the things that I held dear were still the same, the path was a little different to the one I seem to be on now, so the view has changed. since I lost my beautiful Luci lui I have found  myself all out of kilter and I still miss her terribly even though its been almost a year. I can now talk about her and not burst into tears. Even though my heart breaks from missing her still I can now feel comfort when thinking of her.


The last few weeks I have been dreaming of her, waking up feeling like she is with me again. So perhaps its her way of letting me know she knows she isnt being replaced, that she will always be my first familiar and forever in my heart. Soon I will find  my new familiar. When the time is right it will happen.


This is something I wrote the day I had to say goodbye to her. She may be just a cat to others but to me she was my world. Just to explain how much a part of my life she had become. Also  she is my first project in operation letting go.
My baby
You came into my life, a happy surprise Just as I started out my new life as a married woman.
We spent hours those first few years together playing, cuddling and you even traveled with me on vacations. You made laugh then you made me feel loved unconditionally.

You settled in to our first home with us a few months into our relationship, lording it over the big black guy that came to live with us. Then when we moved to the country for a few years, you came along too. You kept me company in those lonely couple of years. First time away from my family, first time with out any friends near by. I found adjusting difficult, but there you were at the end of each day, looking at me with love and understanding. letting me know in your own way it was all ok.

Then came along Trent. your looked at me with disgust as you laid on my swollen belly only to be pushed around and kicked from within. When i bought Him home you quickly took on the role of watcher. where ever he was, you were never far away. Through those first few months when i struggled silently with post natal depression you comforted me endlessly and tirelessly during those few years, you became my best friend in a place i felt so isolated and scared in. Then along can Ashley. Once again you looked at me with accusing eyes as my stomach kicked you as we snuggled close. 

You moved on back to our home here in Rockingham taking the 2 hour stop over as the car broke down in the middle of no where in your stride. Pregnant with Ash car packed to the brim, big black guy getting restless in the back of the wagon. screaming toddler, frustrated hubby. and you just looked at me thinking what is the fuss all about. Again you where my constant companion through severe depression. you helped me through a really dark time in my life. I will always love you for that.

You accepted with reluctance the small black guy, although you never bonded with him, you protected him when dogs attacked him in the street with out question. you showed him spiritedly when he tried to show who was boss of the house that this was just not going to fly.Then the day came for Duke the big black guy to find his bone in the sky came. He left a massive hole in all our lives. But there you were snuggling into the boys doing what you do best. healing broken hearts!

Then a few weeks later you took exception to the new addition to the family. The blonde bomb shell come into our lives like a massive fluffy explosion. At first you were determined to not let her into your life, but when her jaw was broken and she needed to be fed with a syringe for weeks, there you were over seeing my treatment plans for her. While you never openly showed her affection, you excepted her as part of the family.

The last 2 years, you have once again been my constant companion as i went through one of the scariest times of my life. you spent days with me in bed. Every once in a while coming up to let me know you were there. Cuddling in and weaving your healing magic.

Over the past few years you have slowed down considerably though still letting it be known you are the boss of the house, still traveling with us on holidays. and still loving me unconditionally As I build up my courage to do what i know needs to be done very soon, I am finding myself remembering all those moments i will forever cherish. You will leave a space in my heart that cant never be replaced, a hole in my life i dont think will ever be filled.

To others you may be just a cat, a pet and I am silly to be this upset But to me you were my best friend through some very traumatic times in my life. some times the only one. You were my companion through all the major mile stones in my life. Simply you are and forever my baby girl. 

I dont for one minute care what anyone thinks of my love for you or how silly it may seem to them. what ever time we have left you have my unconditional love.♥

karmic justice

Living with a teen I feel is karmic justice for  putting our own parents through the wringer as we negotiated the hormonal roller coaster called puberty. Of course we thought we were completely justified for our outbursts... Our parents just didn't understand what we were going through after all! Its not like they understand how tragic our love life was, nor did they get that our lives would be truly ruined if we had to wear those trainers to school and of course my favourite, I was going to die from embarrassment if my dad speaks again in public!

Now I have 2 teens of my own, granted they are of the male species so technically I have it easier. While so far the youngest is still in the infancy age of demon in training the eldest is in full swing of his apprenticeship and I think about to graduate with flying colours with extra top marks for having such a dramatic life. I have come to realize 1 major truth with parenting. This parenting teens is hard bloomin work!

Not only do we have to research and keep up to date with the how to  parenting 101, we strive to be better than our own floundering parents were, or eat our own words (when I am a mum I will never do that with MY kids)!  We have to have the memory of an elephant and  pull up  incidences of our own youthful capers. Try to unravel the memory all twisted with time and look at it from a parents perspective. We have to think ahead and see the next problem before it happens(not unlike the toddler years) and fix it or  move the dangerous object away before it becomes an issue. To do this we use our own experiences to spot the hazard, which is where I am having trouble right now.

I never dated while in school, not because my folks wouldnt let me,  more because I was so incredibly shy and well the male of the species just annoyed me till was about 17(I was a late bloomer). I grew up with lots of boy cousins who took great pleasure in teasing me or being the butt of their practical jokes, but as I got older they were also very protective of me so any boy that did look my way was quickly "encouraged" to find a new interest. Growing up I seemed to  get along better with boys than girls. I didnt get the whole double meanings. I didn't feel I was pretty enough to hang out with the girls most of the time. Even  my girl cousins I felt out of my depth, they were so pretty, smart and seemed to be so worldly. In short I was the loner.

This is probably why I am floundering a bit with my kids with the whole girlfriend thing. You would think being a female I would have the inside track, but no when it comes to  the whole gf/ bf thing I am sadly lacking in  experience and wisdom.

My oldest, The Lad, is 15 and started dating a year ago. Who knew it would be as nerve racking for us the parents  as it is for the  kids? Its a constant worry even for the parent of a male. Putting aside the whole making sure they understand how important protected sex side of things, we have emotions to deal with. All happy and  easy to get along with when things are going smoothly. When the girl decides its break time we get the moody monster of mood swings. Even when they both decide  they  are better off as friends for now you get Jeckle and Hyde moving in for a time.

We cant protect their hearts forever and I dont want to ever become the  obsessively protective mother from hell. I encourage my kids to talk to me, no mater how embarrassing it may be to either of us. But I am finding  its not as easy to give advice when own teen experiences in this field are so sadly lacking. My first real boyfriend at 17, I married him at the tender age of 21. Its not like I have life experiences  in that arena to take from. I am winging it by the seat of my pants. Doing my best to think practically and use some common sense. I know I have and will make more mistakes, hopefully not enough to have my child die of embarrassment though♥