Well Today is an important day for me and while most days I wake up thinking how lucky I am to still be here, This last week I have found myself more and more melancholy, more introverted and a little angry.
2 years ago today I walked into the the hospital for a routine keyhole surgical procedure to remove some fairly large cysts from my ovaries. "30 min procedure and you will probably go home this afternoon" the surgeon had said the week before. Then he proceeded to warn me that there was a chance he could find something more sinister there so to be prepared that I may end up being there for a week or more. Something in his tone then made me think ok this isnt going to be good. Especially when he had gone from Let me see if I can book you in over the next month for surgery, glanced at my blood tests and said, just hold on I will see if I can get you in next week.
Today is the day 2 years ago I found out I had 6 massive tumors on my ovaries early stage ovarian cancer and a pre cancerous cervix. what was a 30 minute procedure, ended up a 7 hour massive operation. I lost almost 6 kilos that day. I lost any chance of ever having another baby. I lost my hormones. and I lost so much of my precious control. But I gained so much more, a second chance!
while I sit here writing, obviously I am grateful for that chance. Grateful that My sons didnt loose their mother while they were still growing up, that my husband didnt have to go through the grief of loosing his wife, I am still trying to regain some of my balance, some of that control I so desperately cherish. Some days I feel I am getting there, one sure step at a time. Then some days I am just so angry at the world. I want to go back to being the positive happy and friendly person I was, But its like I am this whole different person trying to fit into the body of someone else. Things I used to think were so important to me no longer matter. I used to want desperately to fit in with everyone, to belong and be wanted. Now I dont care so much what people think of me if I disagree with their thoughts & Yes I know this should be a good thing, but a life time of habits are hard to break. Everyone else seems to want me to go back to that person. Family and friends want that girl back that always saw the good in everyone. They want me to stop being so mad at the world and they want me to be there to support them all the time like I used to do no matter what the cost to me. While part of me wants that too, wants to put the rose coloured glasses back on, the other part of me is trying to work through this hormonal imbalance the best I can.
I find hurtful narrow minded comments harder to ignore these days. I no longer just shrug them off thinking oh well different idea are what make the world go around. Now I take it in and feel hurt and betrayed that people that supposedly love me can be so thoughtless to my feelings. Like my feelings dont matter because I am obviously too sensitive! If I say anything thats the comment I always have thrown back at me. Your too sensitive J you need to learn to not let them get to you... HELLO people!!!! I went through a life changing experience and had family say well at least you didnt have breast cancer, how is That me being too sensitive. How is that their insensitivity isnt pulled up and bought out to be accounted for?
When I say I am not coping, I have thrown at me, at least your cured now. Like the way I am feeling is irrelevant. Well I am so sorry my body and mind are not coinciding with the standard grieving period. I will be sure to read the guidelines and rectify that immediately. when I say today is a sad day, please dont throw at me how someone has it so much worse.... Its not that I dont know this. I am not stupid nor insensitive to others and their problems, its that today I need that support and understanding. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying about the world and everyone in it, just let me have today to feel worried, scared or sad about me!
And remember..there is no "standard" grieving period for anything. What matters is that you are able to have days like today...but you also recognise that it will not be like that everyday. I am over from AMB and your blog is great. Writing honestly will always make your reader better able to engage with you. Look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your input. I always wear my heart on my sleeve and find in writing I am able to express myself better than when I speak in person. I get too emotional when I am speaking so find I hide much of myself.
ReplyDeleteWith the written word I can walk away when I get too overwhelmed then come back later and better articulate what it was I wanted to convey with out feeling like I have to justify my self or my feelings.
Part of the reason for trying out blogging, is to help myself through the massive amounts of emotions in a healthy way. If that means other people get something of value out of my thoughts than all the better.
I felt a similar way after a miscarriage, like my positive attitude had taking a massive beating, it wasn't just that specific grief it tinged everything else. So I relate to what you write. A second chance is awesome, but you have the right to deal with what also happened when you got it! Take care :)
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear of your miscarriage Leah, they really suck dont they. Then the aftermath of it Messing with your mind a little. I have had a couple many years ago now but you are so right about all of that. all the self doubts and worries are all so similar that weird feeling at the back of your thoughts and in the bottom of your throat with every activity you do even when its a fun activity. Its just going to take time to work through the emotions, and stop worrying about fitting into everyone elses expectations.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts and kind words ♥
You had cancerous tumours removed. You were thrown into instant menopause. That's a big deal! Menopause has a massive impact, and most women get the chance to ease into it. Take all the time you need to adjust.
ReplyDeleteAnd nice to meet you :-)
Thanks Tenille-help-mum. So many people dont get that biggy. When i say I am going through menopause I get told yep so do many other women. but like you said many other women have perry menopause, which can last up to a decade so its a slow stop of producing the eggs and hormones. I have been having the hormone implant but the side effects are almost as bad as dealing with just the hot flushes and other symptoms, which I am still getting as this last time It didnt relieve as much as It did the first time. all in all its an exciting side trip in my journey I guess lol
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